January, 16, 2012
I have this fear that love doesn’t really exsist anymore.
There are so many rules now, so many people saying love is one thing and another. So many people abusing the word and manipulating the feelings. It’s all smoke and shadows and two way mirrors and disappearing acts these days. I feel like there is no way to know if you love anything because the world has such misconstrued ideas of what the word really means.
First I would like to say that it is not just a word. It’s a feeling and an action. And for me there are many types of love and many times for it. It’s not the way that I can’t live without something, it’s the way that living with it makes me a better person.
It’s not sitting up crying because you’re confused and don’t understand the terms in which your relationship is being held together. I guess that’s what I want to say the most. I have so many friends, so many people I care about that I watch waste away with more hurtful feelings because they are in ”love”. The sad part is that they don’t know any better.
People today are so afraid of being alone that they cling to the hope that love in any form and shape it is displayed to them is real. But where is the love for ourselves? Where are the tears we cry alone for our own benefit. I don’t think that happens enough. People are looking for places to dump their emotions without thinking twice. Everyone wants so desperately to have the movie ending, the song that moves your heart, the story that doesn’t end and they are forcing these things in chaotic unhealthy manners and putting a label on it, Love.
But love isn’t something you can ever describe. And if it is, you’re not really in this ocean of happiness. You can’t say why you love something or someone. You shouldn’t have to prove this either with lonely nights, jealous arguments and make up sex on the regular.
I want to be in a freeing love. I want to be in a hopeless happiness that I can’t put into written form. And that seems like utter blasphemy, but writing is how I express my deepest feelings. How I bring to the surface my most attainable moments. And I don’t want my love to be that easily explained. I want it to shine through me. I want it to be my safe haven when I can’t think straight. I want it to be my secret place where I go to reestablish myself.
I want to fall in love with many things. Not just people. I want to fall in love with dark and heartbreaking things. I want to love bright colors and quick dances. I want to delve deep into the minds of people I respect. I want to fall in love in many ways and many times and I want it all to make me a better person. I don’t want it to leave me unsure, less confident, cynical, or lonely.
And I think that until you can fall in love with yourself and love every ounce of who you are, you shouldn’t bother with trying to love anyone or anything else. Because it will be the sell out version of love that we all unfortunately confuse for the real deal.
And if you’re not indirectly falling in love. You’re using it to your advantage to hurt someone else. You’re saying the right things, you’re going the extra mile and you’re winning hearts. Just to let them go. And you’re the worst thing that could have happened to this world in terms of love.
Someone is either desperately craving it or heartlessly using it. And that will never make for a happy world.
